I managed to get by four months this time before getting seriously ill again.
The bronchitis timing was extremely unfortunate as I was planning to board a 6a.m flight to HK for holiday (my first one this year). At 1 a.m , the tightness of my chest, symptoms of a fever appearing and incessant coughing warned me logically that no matter how much I want to go for a holiday, it is no longer possible.
I ended up wallowing in self pity and depression at home. Instead of the 5 glorious vacation days I had been looking forward to, I secluded myself at home venturing out only for food and medication.
There is nothing worse than getting sick than getting sick no matter how much you do to prevent it.
It’s depressing enough that I get sick all the time, but when I am seriously ill like I am now, with no one around to take care of me and still having to do everything for myself despite feeling doozy and weak, one ventures into a certain realm of darkness.
As I lay on the cold tiled floor ( the high fever makes laying on the bed too hot), I wonder if this is what single old people feel like on a daily basis. Especially those that are not pink with health and are bed-ridden and dependent on others. I wonder too, what it’s like if that person is not able to afford health care, medication or someone to aid him/her. It is a troubling and upsetting thought to have while being despondent about life in general.
There’s not much pity to had from people around me either. The meritocratic society has breed values into people that the poor and the sick choose to be poor and sick and they should pull themselves out and not depend on welfare or people around them.
It is not just society on a whole, but it is also difficult to express to family or friends the state of depression that I get into on a regular basis. The sort of despondency I am vulnerable to is not something that most people would understand unless they themselves have been through something similar.
Let’s face it, in a world where people are increasingly being caught up with their work, their facebook update status and their own lives, there isn’t much space for empathy or attempt at empathy.